So I feel like I haven't posted in a while, but then I looked and noticed that I just posted on the 23rd. That is the curse of the blog, you post everyday and then realize your life is not that exciting or you don't have any new things going on. But recently I have stopped writing not because of lack of stories (those who know me know I always have stories) but rather that I have been s-t-ruggling.
We all go through battle and this has been a long one for me. I have been growing weary of work and arguing a lot with the purpose God wants to work in my life. Some call it Gesthemane (the lonely place where you lay down all your will and take the cup of His will), others know it as the back side of the desert (the preparation zone where you are hidden from recognition and open for criticism); it is that season of my life when I am wanting the amazing anointing and only receiving the pain of the mundane.
My friend Rachel made a wise comment (good wise not smart aleck) to me last week when we were talking about our current circumstances: "We all want to SUFFER for Christ but it few desire to simply LIVE for Christ". I am paraphrasing it because she said it much cooler but that is how I was feeling. I totally am pumped to do the radical, ridiculous, world-changing things for Him but He wants me to do the mundane, daily, little things for Him and I am kicking and fighting against it. I feel like I cry out, "Here I am! Send Me!" and He responses, "I Did! I sent you to where you are! Now show me that you are faithful with what I have given you!"
So here I am, anxious and excited for the next adventure and not investing into where God has me. Not being thankful for the opportunity I have right in front of me.
The last week was the toughest. Just feeling like I was falling away, not on the right track. And thinking about all that I could have done has I just followed my will. Where would I be right now if I just gave up...
But now as I look back I just see I ignored all the signs that God showed me that I was EXACTLY where He wants me. He brought a friend down to encourage me; he sent people into my life at exact moments of the day to challenge and strengthen me. He even woke me up daily before dawn to tell me that He is not giving up on me. He stretched me, challenged me, taught me and even embraced me... and after I still didn't get it,... He simply spoke to me.
Sunday morning at 3:45 am He wakes me up saying "Isaiah 42:7", now mind you I have never read the whole book of Isaiah let alone memorized that verse but it was clear as a yell. "ISAIAH 42:7". So after much groggyness and trying to sleep off the noise, I outstretched my arm to the light and then down to my bible and without lifting my head from the pillow opened to the verse: "To open blind eyes, To bring out prisoners from the dungeon and those who dwell in darkness from the prison." Okay, so I am awake now but this can't be for me, so I read the verse before (as if this first hit was not enough), verse 6: " "I am the LORD, I have called You in righteousness, I will also hold You by the hand and watch over You, And I will appoint You as a covenant to the people, as a light to the nations,... to open blind eyes, to bring out prisoners from the dungeon and those who dwell in darkness from the prison."
Got it.
Totally for me.
Turns out He knows what He is doing with me. He hasn't forgotten about me here working in the office of a Prisoner Re-entry grant. He sees me. He is watching over me.
I love how He does that. He doesn't mind our fighting, our bickering, or even our whining (that is a mystery to me, I would hate it). He will not give up on us. He cares so much for us. He knows that what He has planned is FAR BETTER than ANY OF OUR OWN IDEAS so he keeps tugging on us. Keeps pushing us forward. Thank God!
Oh and about that "where would I be right now if I just gave up...", don't even waste your time dwelling on that question. It is a scheme from the enemy and not worth it because even your wildest imaginations are LAME to the Infinite Plans of God.
Who would have thought Baton Rouge, Louisiana? What will He think of Next???